Overthinking & Grateful

If it wasn’t for the little moments I probably would have sunken ship by now.

Been waking up each day way too tired on a full nights rest. I’m not normally an extreme negative over thinker, or at least not in in a “nothing will ever work sort of way “.

But can’t deny and do admit that I Have always been an overthinker in a “but what if this happens” sort of thinking way.

 Sometimes I’ll even constantly make bigger picture bubbles than needed.

At least never intentionally !

On a quick thought change, I’ve been remembering to drink more water? I’ve reminded myself of it each day , as a random little bit, in the moment. On the days where I wake up amazing however, those days I tend to overthink more i’ve noticed. Why should I have a full good day ahead? Its been so out of place for years that anything too good is out of the norm for me.

Today I woke up realizing that Maybe when they say it’s for the best, you should take a second to realize it’s amazingly so much more than that.

 Its nice to finally not have to wake up and gag on the cigarette scent in the air. It’s nice to not have to worry for once about being in the way of someone or having less than half of a blanket left on each morning. To not wake multiple times in the night and morning to a tv blasting through the speakers. Or waking up to a dog running rampant all night through the house un trained knowing each morning it would be up to me to fix it . TO not have trash piled up in a bathroom or pans soaking in soap and left for us to scrub. A bathroom not soiled with gas or oil from the day prior wash off. To walk around the house without first thing throwing makeup on and each of us in character to play the parts of someones midlife crisis. To not have to keep my phone volume at 3 or two daily. To not have to find reasons why I took a little longer at the store with the kiddos. Or worry that anything I purchased was being checked on seconds after through an app. waking up knowing their phone isn’t secretly silenced monthly because of people I’m not supposed to know of that their communicating to. To know that the breakfast and other meal items through the day , will still be there and ready for each meal and not already cooked before the kids and I are present.

I can go outside each morning and night and not have to creep through my own yard and walk over objects worried I’m in the way each second. TO sit outside and smell air and not fumes from anything and see smiles on the faces of my children without panic of if we forgot anything at the store. Knowing that homework was finished and not interrupted each night and that our mornings would be focused on what the new day would be like. The first summer to spend focused on the dreams of the children for once this year without needed to worry of the focus and dreams of someone else instead. Havig decorations that may be cluttered but for once show who we are. Having mornings and evenings with car rides to no where needed and the sound of us three singing and laughing and conversing without a constant trip to a parts store or another argument. Each day being able to do laundry and have routine in our lives without judgement . To have family back around again that we felt we had lost for some time. Knowing that we are finally head in each convo we have in the house without minding out words and character to tiptoe around another. To be able to have the ten mins of quiet to write this without care.

Knowing I’m overthinking right now but that I can breathe with my own thoughts for the rest of the evening. Being able to detox life through what I consume, mentally, physically, morally etc. I overthink because unfortunately I’m usually on instinct correct. And that’s what worries me. I knew when it was happening each time. I knew as things became went and gone. I knew when something wasn’t working. the hardest is to be told it will work for the better or trust it will be the opposite. I’d rather cling to, “it’s for the best”, knowing it might not work. And so it is. I think other than feeling like my own anchor I’m still thankfully above water. And remembering to drink it too because at this point might as well. I have so many things I’m grateful for lately and I promise to find more. I’m proud of the two littles in my life, and so grateful for the life I’m living. I’m rereading all that I just wrote and know I’m still overthinking hahah SO with that, I’m off to make some coffee , a glass of water, or tea and begin the next moment of my day :)

Shoutout to 10 mins each day and to the little bookstores in the San diego area, also shout out to the days of blogger and xanga .

 lol -stay derpy